While the pride flag exhibits a rainbow of six distinct colors, the true spectrum of color encompasses various shades and tones, with colors seamlessly blending at their edges. For many people, gender is the same. Gender is now recognized as a spectrum, departing from the historical binary notion of “men and women.”
When someone is gender fluid, gender non-binary, or if they identify as a gender that’s not the one assigned to them at birth, it can impact all areas of their lives, including family relationships, romantic or sexual relationships, and friendships. Affirming a loved one’s gender becomes a crucial aspect of their journey, fostering a deeper sense of support and acceptance.
To aid you in this journey, we’ve compiled 10 ways to validate and affirm your loved one’s gender, promoting the growth of your relationship.
What does it mean to be gender affirming?
To grasp the concept of “gender affirming,” it’s essential to delve into the realm of gender and related terminology. Gender differs from sex, which denotes the label assigned by a doctor at birth based on physical attributes and chromosomes. Gender involves the cultural and sociological classification of individuals into the categories of man and woman. In the past, these were the only two options, which is often called the gender binary. While society still has progress to make in understanding and accepting gender fluidity and expressions that diverge from one’s assigned sex, contemporary times are becoming more receptive to diverse gender expressions
Being gender affirming involves actions that align an individual more closely with how they wish to express their gender. This might mean getting a gender affirming haircut or using a different name. For someone to be gender affirming for a loved one, it means that they treat them according to their gender expression. Moreover, it involves explicit respect and celebration of their gender and gender expression, even if these differ from the initially expressed gender in the relationship.
Impact of gender affirmation
The significance of gender affirming experiences cannot be overstated. Many individuals who identify as transgender, gender fluid, or gender non-binary often encounter unacceptable levels of discrimination, which can result in an elevated risk of poverty, adverse health outcomes, and even thoughts of suicide. The opposite of being discriminatory, in this case, is to be gender affirming.
Being gender affirming towards a loved one involves conveying complete acceptance of them for who they are, without any desire for them to change. Going beyond acceptance, it also involves valuing and believing that the individual deserves love just as they are. Practicing gender affirmation can foster the growth of your relationship with your loved one and serves as a means of supporting their overall well-being.
How to be gender affirming
Gender affirming experiences can be essential in how to connect with your loved one, here are some ways to be gender affirming…
Make learning a priority
If you find yourself unsure about your knowledge and comprehension of gender, gender fluidity, or the experiences of transgender individuals, embarking on a journey to educate yourself is a valuable step. Numerous insightful resources are accessible online, with some recommendations provided below, in addition to noteworthy books and documentaries. Broadening the scope of your exposure to content, whether through books, websites, social media, news outlets, or other mediums, can deepen your understanding of the subject and keep you informed about ongoing discussions. It’s crucial to recognize that the responsibility for your education on these matters rests with you, and proactively conducting your own research is essential.
Be aware of your biases
It’s our great hope that future generations will be raised in a way that does not enforce harmful biases and assumptions about people who have diverse genders or gender expressions. Unfortunately, you were probably raised with biases, as the majority of people are. While it’s not your fault, it is highly impactful to become aware of these biases or assumptions and to actively fight against them.
To combat these biases, take the time to pause everyone once in a while and ask yourself if your thoughts or feelings could possibly be informed by society’s general attitudes or rhetoric about a specific group of people.
Be respectful of your loved one’s gender identity
Demonstrating respect for your loved one’s gender identity involves acknowledging and affirming their chosen name and pronouns, especially if they wish to distance themselves from their “deadname” or alter their pronouns. It’s crucial to recognize that these changes aren’t merely matters of preference; they constitute a fundamental aspect of a person’s lived experience.
Don’t shy away from questions
To best support your loved one in feeling comfortable with their gender or expression, simply ask them directly about their preferences. Inquire about their preferred pronouns or if they have a different name. Asking respectful and thoughtful questions fosters open conversation and avoids any potentially accusatory or invasive queries.
Explicitly show your allyship
Extend your gender-affirming actions beyond just your loved one to encompass the entire trans, gender fluid, or gender non-binary community. Demonstrating explicit allyship may involve engaging in advocacy, volunteering with LGBTQ+ organizations, and speaking up for individuals even when they’re not present in situations that lack affirmation. Consider doing these activities together, fostering not only affirmations but also enjoying them as meaningful bonding experiences.
Use gender affirming language — and do this often
Sometimes, it can feel more comfortable to avoid using pronouns or names if you aren’t feeling confident you’ll nail it. Chances are, however, that your loved one will notice this avoidance. After confirming with your loved one what to call them, use their pronouns and name often, especially to other people. This can show that you’re not only understanding but that you aren’t ashamed of them or who they are.
Learn how to apologize in a way that’s not about you
Mistakes, whether in language or assumptions, are likely to happen. Offering a genuine apology is a valuable means of addressing and learning from these errors. However, it’s crucial to ensure that your apology doesn’t center around you. Prioritize listening over speaking, shift the conversation toward your loved one’s experiences, and emphasize your commitment to changing behavior rather than explaining intentions.
Understand that change might happen
Demonstrating patience is crucial when affirming your loved one’s gender. They might experience periods of uncertainty, involving experimentation with names, pronouns, style, identity, and more. This process can be time-consuming and emotionally intense, particularly if there’s related gender-related trauma. Regular check-ins provide valuable support throughout their journey, affirming the significance of their experience.
Encourage them to seek professional support
Encourage your loved one to explore professional support through mental health services provided by a qualified therapist. Therapy offers a supportive environment for open discussions about challenges and the processing of difficult memories. Therapists with this expertise typically have additional training and extensive experience in working with this population, making them a valuable addition to a support system.
Our team at Therapists of Southern California can provide the additional support your loved one might be looking for. Please call or text us at (949) 245-7442 or book an appointment online or enter your information below in the Contact Us Now form below.
Lastly, love them
Showing you love them, however that looks for you or them, is the most important way to affirm the gender of someone you care about. Knowing that they have your love, your loved one can internalize that they are lovable despite the discrimination or biases they might face from other members of society. While your relationship doesn’t have to be centered around gender, it undoubtedly influences how people connect. Amidst this, remember to prioritize enjoyment and meaningful conversations in your family, romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship.