Narcissistic abuse can really mess with someone’s whole being – their mind, emotions, spirit, and even their body. It’s like it attacks from all sides. That’s why when you’ve been through this kind of abuse, healing has to start from deep within you. But here’s the thing: it’s totally possible to heal and not just cope with the pain, but actually find happiness and strength again. With the right resources, it is possible to do more than just beat the pain, and instead, find a newfound sense of joy and self-empowerment in the aftermath.
The Nature of Narcissism: Decoding the Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a type of mental health condition characterized by a person having an overly inflated sense of self-importance, craving constant admiration, and lacking empathy, which can lead to troubled relationships. It’s one of several personality disorders grouped together in the DSM, along with others like antisocial, histrionic, and borderline personality disorders.
Deeply rooted insecurities are often the source of NPD, and the grandiose behaviors exhibited by narcissists are generally nothing more than defense mechanisms used to mask a very fragile ego. Cultural factors and social expectations can predispose an individual to this disadorder, which also has a genetic component.
But it’s crucial not to confuse NPD with every instance of high confidence or self-centered behavior. In today’s world, where taking selfies and sharing them is common, it’s easy to jump to conclusions. However, NPD is relatively rare in the population.
While personality disorders like NPD are considered challenging to cure completely, therapy and sometimes medication can help manage its symptoms effectively. The biggest challenge is often getting someone with NPD to recognize the need for and engage in treatment. This reluctance to seek help may contribute to the lower estimates of how many people have NPD.
Understanding Its Impact
Acknowledging that NPD is marked by grandiosity, a need for constant admiration from others, and a lack of empathy, it’s perhaps not all that surprising that being in a relationship with someone with NPD would be difficult. If an individual can’t intimately connect with another person and share in their experience, it’d be challenging to advance any form of relationship with them. The issue is much deeper than just not making a genuine connection with others, however. The trouble stems from a narcissist’s underhanded intentions in the connections they do choose to make.
But it goes deeper than just a lack of connection. Narcissists tend to only pursue relationships that benefit them in some way. They see others as tools to get what they want. And once they’ve gotten what they came for, they can easily discard the person without a second thought.
To manipulate and control their victims, narcissists often resort to lies and manipulation, including a harmful tactic called “gaslighting.” This involves twisting reality to make their victim doubt their own perceptions and feelings. It’s a sneaky way of breaking down the victim’s self-esteem and making them dependent on the narcissist.
This constant manipulation can leave victims feeling confused and doubting themselves, even when they know something isn’t right. They may end up blaming themselves for the problems in the relationship, which keeps them trapped in the cycle of abuse.
Over time, victims of narcissistic abuse can lose their sense of self and become isolated from the people and things that used to matter to them. It’s a painful and damaging experience that can take a long time to recover from.
Can the Abuse get Physical?
Yes, absolutely. Narcissists often rely on mental and emotional tactics to control their victims, which may not leave visible marks. However, if someone being mistreated starts to speak up, the abuse can escalate to physical violence.
This escalation is commonly referred to as “narcissistic wrath.” Narcissists have a fragile ego they’ll fiercely defend, so when it’s threatened, they can become furious. They may resort to physical abuse like pushing, hitting, or choking, alongside intensifying mental and emotional torment. This could include manipulating personal belongings or spreading lies to loved ones and coworkers.
If a victim tries to leave, the abuser might resort to “smear campaigning” as a final attempt to maintain control by damaging the victim’s reputation.
What Happens if a Victim Returns?
Victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves returning to the relationship, even after breaking free. This is because the abuser has profoundly undermined the victim’s self-esteem and turned their life upside down. Additionally, the perpetrator rarely changes their behavior.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) actually thrive on “narcissistic supply,” gaining energy from exploiting others. They view luring back a victim who has managed to leave as a significant victory. Victims who have endured prolonged abuse, leaving them confused, isolated, and with few options, are especially susceptible to returning.
However, when a victim does return, the narcissist typically executes an ultimate “discard.” Even if they appear to have changed, their motives are usually self-serving. They aim to exploit whatever remaining good the victim has and then abruptly exit, leaving the victim to deal with the aftermath.
Returning to a relationship with a narcissist expecting different results is like repeating the same action and hoping for a different outcome. Sadly, each return only exacerbates the victim’s suffering, making it harder for them to heal, akin to a cycle of addiction.
Narcissistic Abuse & Declining Mental Health
Given all that was said above, it becomes evident that it’s important to identify signs of narcissistic abuse early on so victims can leave before things get any worse. The longer an individual stays in a relationship with a narcissist, the more time the abuser has to chip away at their self-efficacy. Getting out as quickly as possible can save a victim from more lasting issues tied to trauma, including the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Before we come to any conclusions concerning how easy or difficult it is to identify early warning signs, we have to first take a look at another commonly referred to term when it comes to narcissistic abuse – “love-bombing.” This is the period, at the very beginning of the relationship, where the narcissist does everything in their power to lure in, and eventually trap, their victim with supposed love, attention, and adoration. Many victims find this to be endearing, and only come to realize that these efforts are especially over-the-top, overpowering, and even desperate, after they cease later on.
In relationships, love-bombing can look like showering someone with extravagant gifts, taking them on luxurious vacations, or constantly complimenting and communicating with them. This behavior often leads the recipient to feel pressured to escalate the relationship quickly. However, once the love-bombing phase ends, the person being wooed may realize they’ve given up a lot of control, such as moving in together, getting married, or merging finances. This is when the true intentions of the love-bomber, often a narcissist, become clear. The recipient may then experience feelings of regret and alarm as they see the facade fading away.
The Path to Recovery
Recovering from an abusive relationship often involves significant self-work and grieving. This journey may entail mourning not only the loss of the relationship but also the loss of one’s previous self and tangible assets like a job, home, or financial stability. Despite feeling like starting over entirely, there is hope for rebuilding and thriving mentally and emotionally.
To embark on this path, survivors must prioritize self-care intentionally. Reconnecting with activities once enjoyed but neglected during the relationship can help reclaim lost parts of the self. This process varies for each individual, and initially, it may feel challenging to reconnect with oneself. However, through deep self-reflection in a serene environment, with soothing elements like favorite music or scents, and uninterrupted moments, lost memories can resurface and inspire new ideas for personal growth.
A Solid Support System
Support systems are often shattered when one is trapped in the clutches of a narcissist. Taking the time to rebuild meaningful relationships will help ensure a person is surrounded by the love and support they need as they emerge from this dark place.
It is important to note that it may be necessary to make amends with those who felt intentionally left behind during the storm, but many one-time victims have been amazed to find their loved ones are just waiting in the wings, having fully realized the gravity of the situation long before they did.
Professional Help
While regaining the love and support of a personal network is a vital step in the right direction, it may not be enough. A person may still be left with debilitating trauma symptoms that require professional treatment. Working with a therapist can help unlock lost portions of self and reconnect with these to heal sustainability. Some common interventions which address the most stubborn trauma symptoms include:
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Trauma-informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is a widely used method that targets and challenges harmful thought patterns and behaviors resulting from trauma. It empowers survivors to establish healthy boundaries, preventing future toxicity, and cultivates resilience for a fulfilling life.
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Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is another effective technique that activates both brain hemispheres simultaneously to unlock and process blocked trauma memories. By doing so, it reduces their impact and alleviates lingering physical and psychological symptoms.
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Somatic Therapy emphasizes the mind-body connection, utilizing various techniques to release physical tension and discomfort caused by trauma, promoting healing.
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Psychodynamic Therapy delves deep into one’s life events, uncovering core beliefs about the self that make individuals vulnerable to toxic relationships. Reparenting the inner child is a common technique, fostering healing and growth.
There are many other approaches that can be used in the trauma healing process, and all of these can be used at once. It’s important to work alongside a professional and not attempt clinical interventions without therapeutic support.
The Bottom Line
It’s possible to heal sustainably in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Sustainable healing after narcissistic abuse is achievable but requires a commitment to rebuilding a healthy sense of self. Engaging in self-care and reconnecting with support systems can kickstart this process, with the guidance of a licensed therapist further enhancing the journey.
If you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, seeking help and prioritizing leaving is crucial for reclaiming peace and happiness. Similarly, if you believe you have narcissistic personality disorder, therapy offers a safe environment for self-exploration and understanding.
Our team at Therapists of Southern California can help you or a loved one recover for the effects of a narcissistic abuse. We have appointments available as soon as this week with wonderful professionals who specialize in NPD. Please call or text us at (949) 245-7442 or book an appointment online or enter your information below in the Contact Us Now form below.